Fat free Pringles

Ported&Polished · Post by **Ported&Polished** » June 25th, 2007, 5:22 pm

Don't even f'ing say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont f'ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a f'ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You f'ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

F'ing Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real.

britincali · Post by **britincali** » June 25th, 2007, 5:31 pm

oh my god man..................................................................................There are some things even I wouldnt share on a board.................................................................................... Cacking my pants is one of them.............................................................................................................................................................................. Im still ROFLMFAOOOOO...............................................

sabreguy · Post by **sabreguy** » June 25th, 2007, 5:40 pm

ROFLMAO BIG TIME!!!!!!!!

iggys-amsoil · Post by **iggys-amsoil** » June 25th, 2007, 9:45 pm

Give new meaning to "Ported & Polished" don't it.

TYSTYX · Post by **TYSTYX** » June 28th, 2007, 3:55 pm

No wonder he lives alone !!!

Hellbear · Post by **Hellbear** » June 28th, 2007, 4:16 pm

Damn man I am dieing over here.

Rosco-Peeko · Post by **Rosco-Peeko** » June 28th, 2007, 5:05 pm

Sounds like you had yourself an anal leaking good time.

I knew a dude that crapped on his suspenders, unknowingly. Then snapped them into place and catapulted his turds all over the back of his neck. That was a very interesting sight to say the least. This happened while out hunting.

ou812 · Post by **ou812** » June 28th, 2007, 5:32 pm

Cacking my pants is one of them..............................................................................................................................................................................

that just way to funny

Joshwfl · Post by **Joshwfl** » June 28th, 2007, 7:14 pm

Man, I'm laughing my ass off, my wife just came out of the office to see what was so funny. She didn't laugh though.

Before I was married I lived with my buddy from high school who did that all the time. After drinking he would drop his pants, spread the cheeks and let the gases loose. He shat on the kitchen floor and the living room carpet all in one shot.

Another time we were at a bar in Cocoa Beach. There were these 2 dirtbag guys with 2 hotties and he kept walking by the booth they were sitting at and dropping bombs, then walking away. Later on he came running by and shouted "we have to go". I figured he pissed the guys off and was running. Nope, he soiled himself, had a big brown stain and was running back to the hotel. Quick shower and change and we were back at the same bar!

Post by **AlisoBob** » June 29th, 2007, 9:56 am

I got two really funny shiting stories to tell.....

sabreguy · Post by **sabreguy** » June 29th, 2007, 4:39 pm

AlisoBob wrote:I got two really funny shiting stories to tell.....

Well?

hamilcrf · Post by **hamilcrf** » June 29th, 2007, 10:29 pm

It happens yes shit happens to all of us at one time or anouther yet I would not post the time I got it all over my insulated coverall late one night plowing and could not make it back to the barn,no I could not devulge such humiliation in a public form, Shit happens!!!!!!!!!!

Post by **AlisoBob** » June 30th, 2007, 9:19 am

O.K... Story # 1.

It was back in High School days..... at one of those parties where you know a friend, who knows a friend, who kinda knows a friend.

I grew up in Huntington Beach ( El Camino's, Iron Madien, Miller Beer).. and the party was over in Turtle Rock ( BMW 320 I, Michael Jackson, Wine Coolers)

I didnt hardly know anybody... all all the posh ckicks wanted nothing to do with me...so.... I didnt plan on staying long... Besides ..everybody was just standing around anyways..admiring each others "Deck Shoes" that ere popular at the time.

I hit the head, to take a dump... and that when I saw it.... the litter box!

I put it on the toliet, hovered, and let loose. By chance..its was HUGE!.... A real " Bowl-Winder"...

I put the kitty box back on the floor, washed my hands..and hung out near the bathroom to see peoples reaction when they came out the door..... It was too funny..... allot of this....

It lasted about 30 minutes until the chick who lived there went in... screamed.... came out.... and took Kitty to the 24 hour emergency pet hospital to have its ass checked out.

It was all pretty funny!!!

sabreguy · Post by **sabreguy** » June 30th, 2007, 4:29 pm

I heard a story almost exactly like that on the Mark and Brain Radio Show...............hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............interesting.

Ok ready for story #2.

Post by **AlisoBob** » June 30th, 2007, 4:40 pm

This was in 1982 or so.... And I dont listen to M&B anyways.....

Beleive it or not.....

2nd story is I was working for a grading contractor, developing parcels way out in the middle of nowehere ( at the time).

We were grading a section that later became known as " Cota de Caza" ..a really nice and pricy area in So-Cal. .. its at the base of Saddleback Mountian.... yea.... that Saddleback...where the MX Park was...

Anyways, I'm driving to work and my stomach starts feeking like a rubberband powered airplane... when you start winding double and triple knots.... not good.

I get here first, this is " back in the day" before the gov. made all jodsites to require to have shitters.. and I got to go...

I stuck my ass between the tires of axle #2 and axle #3 of a 10 wheel dump, and pulled the rip cord.

Man , it was a hell of an explosion......

The next guy to get there was a guy named Rick, the driver of that truck. He was a red neck from Eureka, knows the wilderness pretty good....

He does the walk around inspection of his truck.. then stops dead in his tracks...

BOB!!!!! he yells...... " WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!! THERE IS A BEAR ROAMING!!"

I act dumb..... " What?"

He says..... " Yea...a big fricken bear..... look at this shit!". < He takes a stick and starts poking at it......>

"Its fresh too!"

He runs over and jumps in his pickup, and locks the doors....

"I'm not comming out until 7:30, when everyone else gets here.." and he didnt.

He told the story for about the next two weeks, about the bear that shit next to his dump truck......

sabreguy · Post by **sabreguy** » June 30th, 2007, 9:43 pm

Now that was funny as hell I don't care who you are.

On the other story I believe you you seem to be the type tat would do exactly that!!! But I did hear a very similar story on M&B the only difference was it was a guy and his fiancee.

You got a brother?

Rosco-Peeko · Post by **Rosco-Peeko** » June 30th, 2007, 10:13 pm

Hah! Childs play I tell ya. I pinched off a Cleveland Steamer in the ex-wifes jacket pocket as I threw her clothes out the door...middle of winter in South Korea. naw....I am not vendictive.

Post by **AlisoBob** » June 30th, 2007, 10:52 pm

Rosco-Peeko wrote:Hah! Childs play I tell ya. I pinched off a Cleveland Steamer in the ex-wifes jacket pocket as I threw her clothes out the door...

DING...DING...DING!

And we have the winner!

M.F.D.B. · Post by **M.F.D.B.** » July 2nd, 2007, 1:18 pm

AlisoBob wrote:
It lasted about 30 minutes until the chick who lived there went in... screamed.... came out.... and took Kitty to the 24 hour emergency pet hospital to have its ass checked out.

Ma'am, the good news is your Kat doesnt have worms, the bad news is, this isnt from your kat!! HAHAHAHAHA

M.F.D.B. · Post by **M.F.D.B.** » July 2nd, 2007, 1:22 pm

Rosco-Peeko wrote: I pinched off a Cleveland Steamer in the ex-wifes jacket pocket

Hard core man, F'N HARD CORE!!

hamilcrf · Post by **hamilcrf** » July 2nd, 2007, 9:29 pm

We were on this fenceline walking replaceing post and mending wire,goofing around talking like chinese guys and see this real fresh slopy cowpie in the trail at a real steep spot in the trees only way through was over the pie. So my buddy, Willard says look BMMoto his chinese slang for the pile. So I go BMMoto Dan is comming,BMMoto Dan is comming so where carrying on like a couple of crazy chinamen and doing our BMmoto stuff and Dan steps right in it never seeing it and his legs acelerate down the trail ahead of his body,That BMmoto some slippery stuff in broken chinese me and Willard are carrying on as Dan lands right in it all over his side, sholder, back and had to head back to the barn to clean up.Willard and I for 2 weeks spoke chinese always mentioning BMMoto and Dan never had a clue we new he was going to slip in it and that we were goffing on him all the time.

Post by **AlisoBob** » July 2nd, 2007, 9:48 pm

Any story with a guy named " Willard" in it KICKS ASS!

Good one Kenny!

BannedCR500Riders.com

Fat free Pringles

Fat free Pringles